My Miraculous 2015Yesterday: I woke up in the morning not feeling like doing my bible study. It happens from time to time. I usually hop out of bed excited for this quiet and alone time before everyone else gets awake and moving and demanding this and that from me. I usually love my time with God.. but from time to time I don’t feel like doing it especially when there are things happening that day that I need to prepare for. But I did it anyway, and what a blessing I received.
As I read through my devotionals and started to study some books of the bible, this entire past year came to my mind. It was a year full of miracles for me. A massive change has been made in my life, that maybe seemed small day by day…. but looking back on the year, I see how big it really was. I can see how God has helped me work through some things, some big things… how He answered so many prayers of mine and how my attitude and mind has changed about so many things in one short year.
If you read no further than this… please hear me when I say: submission to God, obedience to God,
and reading the bible has completely changed my life. If you want to know more, read further…. but if you want to experience this for yourself, do those three things.
John 10:27 My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.Mid-December 2014: I walked through my kitchen distraught, disappointed, ready to give up on certain areas of my life. These problems seemed impossible, to big and to complicated to repair. I stopped by the kitchen table and placed my hands palm down on that table and hung my head and prayed. “God, I can do NOT ONE THING to fix this… this might be unfixable… I give it to you… in fact, I give everything to you… I am yours… use me, guide me… I am tired of trying to do this by myself… I have no idea what I am doing.” This prayer came from the sincerest and most broken part of my heart. There were things I tried my whole life to cover up and stitch together in my heart… just to find that my stitches don’t hold and my cover is not sufficient. I was tired and I was ready to let go of the grip I had on trying to maneuver and control situations… I couldn’t and would’t keep fighting. Before I could lift my head I literally heard the words “shut up”. “Don’t speak, except for when absolutely necessary, until I say it is okay.” I laughed out loud… again, I literally laughed out loud! Did God just tell me to shut up? Yes, I do believe he did… and I obeyed. Except this "shut up" wasn’t angry, it was loving and it was a relief… It meant I didn’t have to come up with anymore arguments about why I was right and why anyone else with an opinion was wrong. It gave God a chance to speak to me and work on my heart more than ever before. It wasn’t easy… there were times when I wanted to fight with words… I knew I could… I have only practiced this skill my entire life…. but I didn’t and I changed and I let God speak for me so many times…. and the outcome was clearly a miracle. It wasn’t very long and I was able to start speaking again and when I did, I spoke from a different place in my heart… my thoughts and words were not even close to perfection… but they were healed in a way… and they would continue to heal throughout the year. {please understand that I didn’t stop speaking entirely… more that I was non confrontational on certain subjects and did not fight back when angry words were spoken to me …. by anyone… when normally I would have been quick to defend myself, I became defenseless on my own ….it’s called submission ;) and I had a lot to learn. }
January 2015: I began a blog… this blog… my outlet to speak and my hopeful witness to God and how He can change things when we submit. I also started a book study by Kay Arthur on character changing using the book of Matthew and more specifically the beatitudes and Jesus’ sermon on the mount. The book by Kay “Lord, only you can change me” (very appropriately titled), began to help me allow God to change my character… and He certainly did that very thing. The Bible is enough, don’t get me wrong… but my learning that I wasn’t as smart as I thought by going more in depth with the words in Matthew really changed my perspective. You could find me in tears after almost every day of study. Realizing that my whole life, I was selfishly trying to be a “good person” but behind that was a blank stare and a big “WHY” written on my heart that kept leading me back to the same old things and the same old ways. The inner struggle was real.. and this study tore my heart apart and then started to put it back together again the way that God has always intended it to be.
May 2015: My oldest son graduated and I went though the motions with him with a heavy heart. I felt like the part of his life with me having any influence was over. I wondered constantly if I did a good job as a parent. My heart broke thinking about all the heart break he has endured though his life… he has experienced the death of so many people close to him throughout his life… more than I think anyone should have to endure. He is a wonderful child and always has been, he taught me so many things… but I wondered if I taught him enough. But as I watched him throughout his senior year… I know that there is a great amount of love in his heart. He is a big brother to 4 kids (3 of which are mine) and I know he would go to battle for any of them in a heart beat… God has surely loved and protected him. He has something important to do with his life and he knows that and so do I… and now he embarks on his own journey to find his own way… it is a bumpy road, but I fully believe in this son of mine. And while he learns about life, he continues to teach me. I can’t look at my other 3 kids the same way now after seeing my precious oldest becoming a man and realizing how fast this happens…. I kiss my little girls chubby cheeks a bit more often and watch my 12 year old live his life with a beautiful heart and a loving soul and remember to be thankful… my 4, well, they are exactly perfect for me in every way. My greatest gift on this earth and quite possibly much more happiness than I deserve, my 4 children with Drew as the beginning of my life as Mom.
July 2015: There was a memorial service for my sister who passed away due to a tragic accident 13 years ago. She was involved in so many things during her short life… this, apparently, has left a lasting legacy at the college she attended and in the hearts of so many. Many of the girls that knew her and some who have just heard her story came forward during the memorial to talk about her influence on their lives. It was an emotional celebration of a beautiful life cut short. I know that God has his reasons for every season… but we miss her… she was loved by so many. This is a story to tell all on it’s own one day… but for now, I can say that there is a scholarship in place in her name and that her legacy and her eagerness to help others is still alive. And she is frequently thought of by so many people and considered to this day, a blessing to us all. So we thank God for the time she was here… she was a major influence on me and I am thankful for this moment I had to be proud of her achievements and the person she was during this memorial. It meant so much to my entire family so, thank you again to those involved in this.
August 2015: I reunited with my Dad’s family. To make a very long story short (I wrote about this briefly in a previous blog), my Dad abandoned us when I was 11 years old… he dropped us off at my maternal Grandparents home in Butler only to come back once for a very short period throughout the rest of my childhood. We kind-of lost touch with that side of our family after the death of my paternal Grandparents. It has been many, many years since I have laid eyes on my precious and beautiful Aunt Jo. I thought about her often over the years… knew she lived not very far away… but was scared to reach out. Then, my family and I were at an event out of town when I saw a man that looked so familiar but I could not for the life of me place him to a name. I turned to my husband to ask if we knew him and it suddenly clicked!! I said to my husband… "I think that is my first cousin!!!" I could barely stop starring at him and another cousin that was there as I saw my own brother, my sister, myself and my Dad in their faces… this is MY family. But they don’t know me. I sat for a long time.. I was near where they were sitting… I tried to find the courage to go and speak to them and tell them who I was. It took a full hour and encouragement from my husband and even my mom (she wasn’t there but I called her to ask advice- as usual) I finally went over there and told them who I was… they greeted me with love, hugs, phone number exchanges, and an invitation to a family event coming up soon. We went to that family event and I got to see and hug my beautiful Aunt Jo and meet most of my first cousins and their kids and families. I got to listen to them talk and was amazed by them and the familiarity in their faces. They are beautiful, kind, loving and accepting… and I am blessed. This was and is an event I will never, ever in my life forget. The part of me that seemed so distant and forgotten… suddenly was present and it was good. I know that only God could have made these events all fall into place as they did. There was this big hole in my heart where my Dad had been… and although I still do not know where my Dad is… his sister and her children filled up this hole so perfectly… it was just what I needed to happen. I am so thankful for my family… the ones who stayed and even the ones who left, and on that day especially the ones who have been returned to my life.
August 2015: A trip to the beach had me meeting my newest cousin Molly who lives in England… and my sweet and like-a-sister first cousin (Ashley- Molly’s mom) and her family. Spending time with them and my Aunt Peggy has always been, throughout my entire life, some of my favorite times… and this was no exception. I also, during that trip got to spend time with one of my closest (also like a sister) friends Carmen. Carmen once again proved that she has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know. She not only accepted my children and I into her home (for the second time in one month) to stay for two nights… she treated us like we were family and went out of her way to do something kind and unforgettable as she has done so many times in my life. She and her sister Candace have “taken care” of me and my kids so many times I can’t even name them all. I have had friendships and still have so many great and special ones… but no one does friendship as well as these twins!! The both have a heart to be admired. I thank God for sending them into my life. They have surely been a blessing so many times. I always wish I could to re-pay them although I know in the way that they are friends to me… it would be impossible to re-pay. I would however, unknowingly during this visit, be very soon put in a position to do something for them… and I am forever thankful for that opportunity to be there for them as they have always been there for me.
August 2015: My second to youngest child, my precious daughter Melody started Kindergarten. I felt like a yo-yo… graduating and beginning kindergarten with my children within months of each other. I was terrified that the uniqueness of Melody would cause her trouble at school. She is special, different and particularly beautiful. I am becoming fully aware that God has made her all of these things for a reason. And I know she has been accepted just as she is and even very specially cared for by some of the other wonderful children in her class and she has made so many new friends. There is nothing like watching children and their acceptance of one another to humble you and remind you that each of us are unique and special and particularly beautiful in our own way… and that we should all care for each other. And I continue to learn from my own children… and their friends.
October 2015: As my photography business began it’s busiest time of the year, I begin to question my career… is it enough? Am I serving God? Tough questions… hard thoughts… contemplation. I prayed for answers. My business is blessed, I am not sure if I am talented or just very strong-willed but I strive to be the best I can be at whatever I am doing…. and my job is no exception. I have seen my work and skill level grow though out the years that I have been doing it. I have seen my skills be sharpened and my job become a blessing to me and my family and other families. This year especially my abilities grew as I slowed things down a bit and concentrated more on each client. My clients have all been a blessing with compliments, loyalty, love and patience. I feel like God sends me the best of the best to work with… but I might be a bit partial ;) Working with editing has become almost like playing music… creating something beautiful for someone. I still questioned my job though… is it enough, am I serving God? My answer would come. During a phone call my Mom said to me “your gift is far reaching” discussing one particular picture that had been given as a gift in a hurting relationship between two people. My eyes filled with tears as I said thank you to my Mother who God so often uses in my life to clear my way of seeing things. I said thank you to her and to God for a better vision of what I am doing and what I can do.
November 2015: This is not my story to tell… I will just say that my sweet friends that I mentioned earlier called me to do pictures of their family and then two weeks later went through what has to be one of the hardest times in their lives. It was a shock and happened very unexpectedly…. but for the small bit of comfort I was able to be a part of, pictures with their loved one… I am forever grateful that I could. God had his hands on every part of this. And He used me to preserve some very precious last days. I love this family and have no doubt the God loves them very deeply as well.
Mid 2015-November 2015: Honestly, my family and I have been off and on in church for years. When we go, we go to MCBC… the most loving place on earth (to me) but I still lacked the understanding of why going to church was important. I wasn’t sure that this is where I was needed or if I should go anywhere at all. My Mom (again a mouth for God) said to me kindly while discussing this “what if everyone thought that way? what if there were no church to go to? what would the world be like then?” and that profound statement/question made me rethink MY questioning. Yes, church is very important and yes, for SURE we are supposed to be going!!! FOR SURE!! You see, this church caught us with open arms when we fell into the community and during times of tragedy. The loved us, cared for us and were there for us during very difficult times. What was I thinking questioning it? I don’t know really… just room to grow I guess…another opportunity for God to reshape me. And that reshaping came in the form of Jamie, Melissa, Terry, Teresa, Syliva x2, Mrs. Anita, Mrs.Eldora…. and so many more people at this church. I have to very specifically thank my mom and Jamie & Melissa…. three people who let the Holy Spirit guide them fully… without you I just don’t know where we would be. So, we are in church…the kids are getting involved… Chris and I have been blessed to be a part of the youth and children music program. And I can honestly say that the people here see and want to help Chris and I use our gifts and abilities as well as they use their own gifts and abilities to glorify God. The blessings are there at every turn we make getting closer to our church family and I thank God for this reintroduction to these blessings. I appreciate it now more than I ever have. We feel needed and wanted and it has renewed a purpose for this place for me… it has always been special but now it is fully treasured and understood.
December 2015: Two impromptu prayer meetings with two very special ladies in my life (Ashley- a true friend and blessing- my sounding board and my fellow dreamer and follower and Myra a Christian influence in many lives who has no idea -I don’t think- what good things she really does for people around her) helped me learn to pray out loud. I have struggled with this but they held and squeezed my hands as my small shaky voice attempted to say out load what was in my heart. I am not sure if I did a good job, but I know that I have made a huge leap… I have always struggled with putting a voice to my inner thoughts in almost any situation. What came out of my mouth at times was what I thought other people wanted to hear, not what was in my heart. Writing is easy… I can write what is in my heart…. but to actually speak it, has been a struggle for me. So, to these two ladies who prayed first and then let me make my attempt… thank you. I needed to start somewhere safe and you both provided that for me. God loves you both and you have been a blessing in my life so many times.
December 2015 to now: I felt lead recently to read Ecclesiastes (the book in the bible) and then to 1 John… and that is where I am now. BUT Ecclesiastes led me to a BIG HUH???? As I saw my own life, filled with questions and saw my own past in Solomon’s struggle to attempt to find the meaning of life, I wondered why this book was in the bible at all. And then I realized that it is a lesson. There have already been people before, way smarter than us that questioned it all… life, church, their jobs, their work, their friends, their children, their marriage, their relationships, the earth… and we all will eventually come to the same conclusion. God is in control and we must submit to Him to find the true happiness He wants us to have… there will be things that are beyond our understanding but we must have faith.
And now 2015 is coming to an end… and I look back on it all as a whole and realize that it is a wonder. What has happened to my heart and my life when compared to this time last year is nothing short of a work of God. You can look at each thing individual and dissect it until you find it was just good… but I can see the journey and I see a miracle. My heart has changed… it is not a physical thing I can hold and show you… and maybe I didn’t even express it in this writing, but it is as real as any physical thing you can hold… or even more so.
God bless you all and I pray that 2016 holds just as many sharp turns and realizations that may lead us closer and closer to Him. Jesus is waiting… he was waiting for me… I thank God my life and heart finally broke enough for me to allow Him in. I feel like I was the most stubborn of us all, and if He can change me… I can just imagine what he will do for you.
Merry Christmas
Love,
Andrea
